My girlfriend's father won't buy sports jerseys because, as he puts it, "Isn't it a bit strange for one man to wear another man's name on his back?" I can't say I disagree, and in fact, I have similar rules about automotive gear. A friend offered me a free Ducati T-shirt recently and I turned it down, citing not only the fact that I don't own a Ducati, but also that I can't even ride a motorcycle. Same goes for car brands. And that first rule about wearing someone's name applies, too, though it's just one of the many reasons you won't see me sporting any Dale, Jr. gear.

This got me thinking about all the other sorts of car clothing that could be deemed unwearable — not just because of my ethical standards, but because of aesthetic ones. I'm talking about clothing that's trashy, pretentious, distasteful, or otherwise offensive. That, in turn, led to a challenge born at the Motive lunch couches — could we find enough gear to douche a guy up from head to toe? I was confident we could and set out shopping, only to realize we'd need to build two trashballs. One, a high-class, European-style 'bag, and the other a stars-and-bars embarrassment to cars. Let's take it from the top.

HATS

There's no better way for the sophisticated jackass to show his motorsport knowledge and to prove that "Bro, I was totally on board with Schumacher right from the beginning" than with a Dekra hat, circa somewhere between '96 and '00. Reproductions are available for $20-$30, but a signed original is the only way to go if you want to look like Schuey himself. Or, you know, like a silly, outdated fanboy.

This example has it all: the Dekra logo, a prancing horse, a signature, and a big price: 1996 Dekra Schumacher Hat

The other end of the spectrum is surprisingly close by, representing another obnoxiously colorful bit of racing pride. Yes, a Corvette racing hat, preferably adorned with as much checkered flag cloth as possible, is the best way to look like a trashball. But none of this C6.R "Jake" crap. That's too big time. Anything from the C4 or C5 Corvette era is preferred, and make sure it has plenty of red. And Velcro — that stuff is Reagantastic.

This one's a winner: C5 Racing Cap

SUNGLASSES

While there are plenty of gaudy sunglasses at the local Sunglass Hut, the truly over-the-top AutomoDouche will gravitate toward the leaders of Euro chic, Porsche Design. And of the wide array offered, he'll go for the white frames. Because, seriously, black totally hides the "PORSCHE DESIGN" lettering down the side, and that's just lame. Why pay $380 for a set of shades if they're not going to look as expensive as possible? Never mind that Porsche Design is separate from the Porsche that builds cars. The sheep don't know the difference.

These are perfect: Porsche Design P8426

Oakley's $100 Tony Stewart glasses are probably a bit rich for our second fictitious character's blood, but chances are he knows a guy who sells knock-offs from the kitchen of his double-wide. Who cares if they say "Oakbey" on the side or if the driver's name on them is "Toni Stewart"? These things are just effin' sweet.

Here're the real ones: Tony Stewart Oakleys

SHIRTS

This is the hardest part of the wardrobe because there are just so many options — Triumph T-shirts, Von Dutch, the list goes on. But only a select piece of outerwear has a Ferrari logo, a direct motorsports connection, the upper-class style of a polo shirt, and lots of red dye all in one place, and that's Puma's Ferrari F1 Team Shirt. It even has a little Italian flag! And with a $70 price tag, you won't have to feel like you're downgrading from your Lacostes. Runner up: Automotive-sponsored soccer team jerseys. They lost out because unfortunately, there're no buttons to leave dangling loose over your painstakingly toned pectorals.

Your F1 Goodness: Ferrari F1 Team Polo

Meanwhile, NASCAR team shirts are just too predictable for our good ol' boy car fan, and he's probably waiting for Dale, Sr.'s second coming to buy one, anyway. The obvious go-to here is a classic Big Johnson shirt, the perfect conversation piece to break out while standing around a big block drinking Red Dog. They're just so clever: "If it has tits or tires, it's gonna give you trouble!" Oh, it's funny because it's true. Or how about "You'll be poppin' some blowers when you fire up a Big Johnson." That one doesn't even make sense, but man is that good stuff. Runner up: Any white T with an airbrushed rendition of your favorite '60s muscle machine.

It's easy to get 'em loose when you come up from behind with a Big Johnson

JACKETS

For as tough it is to pick one single shirt for our Euro boy, the jacket selection is correspondingly easy: A Gulf livery Le Mans jacket. Simple, classic, yet so overdone. Steve McQueen wore one, which becomes a Catch-22. While the fact that the King of Cool rocked one gave the jacket instant street cred, it also means there's little chance you won't look like a giant toolbox in comparison. A licensed reproduction costs €169, which in the current market equates to approximately $9000.

Look like McQueen here: Original GP Premium Jacket

Leather is a wonderful material because of its rugged, natural look. Especially when it comes from red, yellow, or blue cows. Those are apparently the favored colors of Corvette owners, considering their abundance on the Corvette Museum Store's website, and each hue is somehow lovelier than the next. Other accepted materials for the perfect automotive jacket include wool (used in conjunction with leather) and silk.

Our pick: C5 Corvette Leather Bomber Jacket

PANTS

It's a shame that Gucci doesn't make and jeans with Lamborghini logoscript down the leg, or that plaid shorts aren't offered in vintage 911 seat prints. That makes this category hard, but our perfect asshat wardrobe wouldn't be complete without some leg coverings of some sort. Fortunately, Puma comes to the rescue again with its exclusive Volvo Ocean Race sailing gear, which includes these long shorts. Swedish cars and offshore sailboat racing? It don't get no more Euro than that.

Complete with both belt loops and a drawstring! Puma Volvo Ocean Race Long Bermudas Gray Violet

Despite Homer Simpson's warning that the crotch wears out too fast with sweatpants, they'd be the perfect things for the cheesy ensemble we're building here. Luckily, NASCAR's official online store, which also sells nurses' scrubs, tents, radios, grills, and just about anything you can cover with camo, sells sweats supporting almost every current driver. It also has its own online outlet mall — no need to load all the kids in the Chevy Astro for back-to-school shopping. The Matt Kenseth pair is probably the manliest, considering the DeWalt power tools sponsorship.

Go Number 17! Matt Kenseth Designed to Win Fleece Pants

SHOES

Puma and Adidas have a plethora of driving shoes co-branded with Porsche, Red Bull Racing, Ferrari, or Ducati, but all of them pale in comparison to the thought of wearing Piloti's LMP model as a normal, everyday shoe. Available in black and yellow or a more eye-searing blue/yellow combo, the LMP represents total overkill with its NOMEX lining, high-top shape, Velcro straps, special race-proven heel shape, and $200 price tag. Hurrah, our LuxoDouche is complete.

Get 'em here: Piloti LMP Driving Shoes

Are you kidding? Our second guy wears nothing but work boots, even when racing. Fortunately, Carhartt is another Matt Kenseth sponsor. And he'd like to put one of his Carhartts right up guy #1's um. . . rear.